Writing about Aleksandar’s death was very cathartic.
Twenty-four years have passed; discovering that it was all still so raw, was such a powerful and a sobering feeling. I felt very strongly that he was still very much part of me.
But I had to write about him. I had to finally tell my story. I had to tell the story of this beautiful human who was taken from us too soon, too young. I had to tell the story of hundreds of thousands of people from my home country, who have been through similar, and worse, far worse, and yet nobody hears about them.
It hurts me so much that nobody hears their voices. I have always wanted to write about my people, but I never had the courage to start. By my people, I mean the good, honest country people, not the country’s leaders or politicians.
My “awakening” came when I started studying to become a childminder in the UK. I had to study so much about trauma and how much childhood trauma affects our adult lives and how much infant and childhood trauma affects our brains. More often than not, trauma or abuse goes unreported.
I read so much about how much help there is available for our children in the UK and which agencies to contact if we suspect that a child is being abused or experiencing trauma. There are SO many amazing agencies in the UK, which is just wonderful, but there are hardly any in Bosnia.
My final push in my writing direction, came in September 2017; I received a call from my sister who was so distressed, she could barely speak. She is twenty five years old; she lives in Bosnia. She was our war baby. As a result of the times that she was born in, she too experienced a lot of trauma. After years of struggling, she had finally summoned the courage to seek counselling. She went to see a private counsellor and explained why she was there. This…man, then proceeded to ask her if she was a virgin. She was shocked and became very upset. He then lectured her on his religious basis; she ran out, crying.
I was furious and so upset for her. I felt so guilty that I didn’t have any means of helping her. I was angry.
I would love to set up a trust fund which would enable me to set up a counselling program for our veterans in Bosnia, their families and especially their children. I would be the happiest person alive if I succeeded in this.
I feel so strongly about counselling. Counselling has helped me immensely; I can’t advocate it enough. Trauma and bereavement counselling has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, and one of the best things in my life at the same time. My counselling has changed my life forever. It allowed me to heal, to properly say goodbye to my long lost loved ones, it allowed me to move on and have a proper closure. I am much nicer person now, thanks to my counselling.
If untreated, trauma leaves lifelong effects on a person and their loved ones around them.
Trauma ruined my paternal grandfather’s life, therefore subsequently affecting my father’s life, then mine.
My grandfather Stanko succumbed to his broken heart, years after he lost his first wife and a daughter during the WW2, and years after living through his war traumas. He never recovered. My father still doesn’t know what his father went through. I still don’t know what my father went through.
My grandfather died when he was only fifty-five, leaving seven children and a wife behind, my grandmother.
He was once a force to be reckoned with. He was a mayor, a politician, a land owner, a successful farmer…the list is big. He died just before my second birthday. Everyone tells me that he loved me so much and that he took me with him everywhere. I dream of him quite often. I dream of him sitting under our huge linden tree, on this bench that he made, I’m sitting on his lap. I dream that he’s telling me stories, but I never hear his voice. My father still has this bench. I sometimes dream of him calling my name from the top of this hill where our farm once was. I wish someone wrote his stories down.
This is my grandfather Stanko, in the middle.
In the absence of therapy or counselling, some men and women have resorted to alcohol. This is so common all over the world. Alcohol intoxication numbs their pain and the suffering temporarily. This eventually becomes an addiction. This absolutely breaks my heart.
These were once strong men and women. They had achieved so much. They managed to keep my parents’ generation fed and safe, as much as they could and whenever they could. They fought in WW2, they fought in the last civil war too. Yet, they are judged and ridiculed because they drink. They were seen as fools and ill-disciplined. They were seen as weak.
I worry that my father drinks too much too. I worry that he too will have a heart attack like his father did. My father was once a fit, strong man, who set up his own company against all the odds, he travelled the world. He was a game changer, ahead of his time. He was a successful businessman, a workaholic, a generous heart who employed people of all nationalities and backgrounds. He employed the misfits, the “fallen off the wagon” ones, he took a risk just give them a second chance. He let homeless young people sleep in our house or in his trucks. Don’t worry, he wasn’t stupid, he was very strict, they were all too scared of him to do anything stupid. He was the centre of my world.
He doesn’t travel any more. He retired early and handed everything over to my brother. He now breeds organic pigs, sheep and goats, on a much smaller scale than before. He helps my mum run their B&B and a small restaurant. He keeps himself busy, he’s always building something, extending buildings and outbuildings or making something out of wood. But he has regular nightmares and night sweats, he sometimes shakes violently in his sleep. He regularly shouts in his sleep too.
Our father has carried his traumas since he was a young boy; they just multiplied in the ‘90s.
When we were younger, I judged my father’s occasional angry outbursts. I judged him and at times I didn’t like him for this. I didn’t know.
Now that I am older, now that I have been through my own series of unfortunate events, I understand him so much more. He carried so much on his shoulders.
He is still this kindhearted, intelligent, full of knowledge and wisdom, selfless, charismatic, cheeky legend of a man, but I can tell you that he is a shadow of his formal self.
Because of the traumas that our grandparents experienced during the WW2, we have to understand that our parents could not have had balanced childhoods at all, which subsequently affected them as adults. Most likely they were frequently exposed to domestic violence as a result of this. Their parents were still suffering and in a sense, still broken. The two generations didn’t have time to heal; they first had to deal with the aftermath of the WW2 as well as having young families, and then boom! Another war happens.
A war doesn’t stop once the bullets stop falling. The war aftermath carries on for at least two generations. It destroys the economics and the infrastructure, which directly affects families, especially in the cities.
I remember, people went hungry, they took on any jobs, people got exploited, women got exploited, children got exploited. They lost their pride and their integrity just so that they could feed their families. They begged and pleaded.
These “exploiters” were the people that our father warned us about at the beginning of the war, they were the war profiteers. He made sure that we never had to go through this ourselves.
On top of all of this terrible hardship, there was this ever-present mental health stigma. If you sought medical help, you were seen as weak or crazy. When it comes to mental health, it was not and still is not acceptable to seek medical help, but it is acceptable however to suffer and make others around you suffer.
The other thing that seems to be socially acceptable in the Balkans, generally, is going to see a Serbian Orthodox priest, a Catholic priest or a Muslim imam for a confession. This confession is seen as a form of counselling. I understand this, this is how it’s always been done, this is what majority of people are comfortable with. I passionately support “It’s good to talk” campaigns, but these wonderful people also need expert help, they need medical help.
I am religious, but I see this as my personal choice and the way I view religion has nothing to do with anyone else. I personally believe that we are all equal and no priest or imam is a higher human being than us.
I do however believe that doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists have a lot more knowledge about mental health than we do. Who are we to question their many years of hard work, studying and dedication? Who are we, the ones who did not study human anatomy and human mind, to question their vast knowledge and expertise. I LOVE my country, but stigma has no place amongst modern humans.
I saw so much of this in Bosnia. I want to change it. I know, I understand the enormity of my dream, but I can start small. I can first start in my home town, and then expand my counselling mission further. I am terribly stubborn, and I can be pretty persuasive. I can do this!
It breaks my heart that our grandparents never healed. Our parents haven’t mentally healed either. Just as our parents were in their prime, on their way to recovery, this civil war happened. Another war in the Balkans. Again.
They didn’t stand a chance.
Yet, we judge them. We must not judge how they deal with their pain. It is their way of coping. If we can just get people to talk, to a mental health professional, I know this would help them move on and have closure.
They could then live much healthier lives. They would then have much more mental strength and resources to deal with their addictions. I want to help provide this support to my people.
I would do absolutely anything and I would speak to absolutely anyone, if this meant that we would be able to provide trauma, grief, bereavement & PTSD counselling.
These wonderful people have suffered too much for too long, they have carried this burden for too long. I would love to somehow help them release their lead balloons, help them have closure, help them put it all to rest and move on. They deserve a f***ing break!
There are many symptoms and effects of PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Please red these carefully:
“Symptoms of PTSD:
Persistent, Invasive, or Intrusive Symptoms – symptoms are connected to the precipitating trauma and begin after the event:
Intrusive, invasive, involuntary distressing memories of the events
Dissociative episodes (flashbacks) during which the individual feels they are re-experiencing the event
Prolonged emotional distress when faced with triggers of the trauma
Physiological reactions to triggers of the event
Avoidance Symptoms – these behaviours attempt to reduce the level of suffering of a person by avoiding triggers and memories of the event.
Avoidance (or attempts to avoid) people, places, activities, conversations, objections, and situations that may lead to disconcerting thoughts, feelings, or memories of the trauma
Efforts made to avoid anything that triggers distressing memories, feelings, or thoughts of the event
Negative Mood Symptoms – these symptoms begin with the event and worsen over time
Inability to remember parts of the traumatic event
Negative beliefs about oneself, others, or the world
Distorted thoughts about the trauma that lead to assigning blame for the event to themselves or another person
Constant negative mood state
Inability to feel pleasure
Feeling disconnected from others
Inability to feel positive emotions
Alterations in Arousal Symptoms:
Angry outbursts without provocation
Exaggerated startle response
Other symptoms of PTSD may include:
Depersonalization: Feeling detached from your body, as though you’re looking down from above
De-realization: Feeling as if you’re walking on water, in a dream or alternate reality
Effects of PTSD
The effects of PTSD touch every area of an individual’s life leaving virtually nothing unscathed. The longer that PTSD exists without treatment, the greater the effects of PTSD on a person’s life. The most common effects of post-traumatic stress disorder may include:
Difficulty regulating emotions
Inability to maintain stable relationships
Difficulty feeling emotions
Difficulty maintaining job
Suicidal thoughts, attempts or completed suicide.”
If you recognise some of these symptoms in yourself, or in someone you know, please seek medical advice. PTSD is fully treatable.